Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put them in quotations
Say what you need to say (8x)
Walkin like a one man army
Fightin with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say (8x)
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for getting older
You better know that in the end its better to say too much
Than to never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Why?
Say what you need to say...
12.25.2007
11.08.2007
Interview with Daniel Karslake, writer/director of "For The Bible Tells Me So"
Exerpt from the interview...
We're very much still in a discussion in this country where both sides are yelling and really not listening to the other side. So one thing that I'm really hoping is that the film can lift the conversation out of that separating point and that people will at least start to hear another way to think about gay and lesbian people in the Bible and walk away thinking, "Okay, I respect what these theologians are saying, I respect what conclusions these very faithful Christian families are reaching and I will just let that lay instead of trying to change them."
What I will say, though, is that a lot of the initial response I've gotten from the film from the people I most made it for, these conservatives who have another view of the Bible, have been very strong and very positive, and more positive than I'd even hoped.
We had our world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in January and at Sundance there were groups of students from two very conservative seminaries who came to the same screening. And both groups of kids, or not really kids but in their early 20's, emerged from that screening desperate to have a longer conversation with me about the film and about the issue. They asked me to come to the church — they were sleeping on the floor of a church throughout the festival — and i went to the church the next day and we had an amazing conversation where a lot of them said, you know, we couldn't sleep last night, we couldn't believe there were these stories of good Christian parents who had gay kids, and I've never really been exposed to what gay people are before and I think maybe I've been misled this whole time.
And another woman stood up at one of the screenings and said, "I'm a born again Christian," and I thought, here it comes ... and she said, "I just want to thank you for reminding the world about the real message of Jesus," and she sat down. And I thought, wow — I think this movie actually is resonating more deeply with people than I'd even hoped — especially the people that I want most to see it ... Because all five families are Christian families who are wonderful and to various extents embrace their gay child but also stay in their faith. So I have a lot of hope.
We're very much still in a discussion in this country where both sides are yelling and really not listening to the other side. So one thing that I'm really hoping is that the film can lift the conversation out of that separating point and that people will at least start to hear another way to think about gay and lesbian people in the Bible and walk away thinking, "Okay, I respect what these theologians are saying, I respect what conclusions these very faithful Christian families are reaching and I will just let that lay instead of trying to change them."
What I will say, though, is that a lot of the initial response I've gotten from the film from the people I most made it for, these conservatives who have another view of the Bible, have been very strong and very positive, and more positive than I'd even hoped.
We had our world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in January and at Sundance there were groups of students from two very conservative seminaries who came to the same screening. And both groups of kids, or not really kids but in their early 20's, emerged from that screening desperate to have a longer conversation with me about the film and about the issue. They asked me to come to the church — they were sleeping on the floor of a church throughout the festival — and i went to the church the next day and we had an amazing conversation where a lot of them said, you know, we couldn't sleep last night, we couldn't believe there were these stories of good Christian parents who had gay kids, and I've never really been exposed to what gay people are before and I think maybe I've been misled this whole time.
And another woman stood up at one of the screenings and said, "I'm a born again Christian," and I thought, here it comes ... and she said, "I just want to thank you for reminding the world about the real message of Jesus," and she sat down. And I thought, wow — I think this movie actually is resonating more deeply with people than I'd even hoped — especially the people that I want most to see it ... Because all five families are Christian families who are wonderful and to various extents embrace their gay child but also stay in their faith. So I have a lot of hope.
10.30.2007
10.21.2007
sunday morning
i woke up early this morning. i don't know why... maybe because i was in bed before 11:00 for once. today is my dad's birthday. i think he and my mom probably think i forgot. i have to stop and get him a card on my way over for lunch. i should get him something too. i just don't know what. maybe a gift certificate to home depot. i really don't know.
i'm rambling. i want to write - i'm just not quite sure what it is i want to write ABOUT.
This was a productive weekend, overall - i mean, there are still a couple of big things i haven't finished that i was really hoping to conquer, but that's okay. maybe this afternoon when i get home from dear ol' mom and dad's... then again, maybe not.
i started feeling kinda crappy yesterday afternoon, and today i feel it might be more of the same. i hope i'm not getting sick. kinda feel like i might be. bleh.
i need time for myself, and i know this is good for me - probably the BEST thing i could be doing right now, but it's SO hard to battle that 'fight or flight' instinct that comes from being alone. the first few hours are nice. i really enjoy time spent by myself - but as the afternoon/evening moves on, a sort of panic comes over me when i realize there's a great possibility that i could go a whole day without seeing/talking to anyone... and i'm (seemingly) automatically propelled into this place where i want to call someone and make plans to do something. but you see, right now, that isn't the easiest thing to do... my friend situation is in a weird place at this point in my life. most of my friends are either coupled or married, and like most people who are in committed relationships - they have their own, busy lives, and aren't really up for "spontaneous" outings with friends (especially newly single friends), and the fact that the more spontaneous couples within my group are either A. splitting time/caught-up in the middle/balancing between my ex B. too far away to be much help C. too caught-up in their own lives to care about hanging out or catching-up OR D. not speaking to me at all.
see, when i'm alone for an entire day/afternoon/evening (or more), i get rather introspective. and the analysis of my life begins (thus, why i'm here... blogging about myself. trying to find answers. make some sort of poignant self-discovery. something. i don't know.)
i really should go back to dr. therapist, but since H continued seeing him after our break-up that made it really easy for me to back off and stop going all-together. plus, it just frustrates me sometimes... as smart (and CORRECT) as he is on so many things regarding my past/present/future, there are some things that i just don't want to deal with right now. maybe i'm scared. maybe i'm rebelling and just being defiant regarding these changes so obviously need to be dealt with. maybe it's the thought that the person i'm to become seems 180˚ different from who i've been. it get's so overwhelming.
i'm definitely at a point in my life (personally and professionally) that if i didn't have my elderly parents here, I would seriously consider moving away... to just get the hell out of here. portland maybe? i have a friend there. i could start over. i've never wanted to stay in dallas, but unfortunately, right now, that will have to wait.
i really need to get myself sorted out. i need to re-focus. hell, focus - period.
it's 8:51 and i've been up for almost an hour.
maybe i'll go to church.
maybe i'll keep rambling here.
maybe i'll finish the chores i didn't get to yesterday.
maybe.
maybe.
maybe.
...story of my life.
i'm rambling. i want to write - i'm just not quite sure what it is i want to write ABOUT.
This was a productive weekend, overall - i mean, there are still a couple of big things i haven't finished that i was really hoping to conquer, but that's okay. maybe this afternoon when i get home from dear ol' mom and dad's... then again, maybe not.
i started feeling kinda crappy yesterday afternoon, and today i feel it might be more of the same. i hope i'm not getting sick. kinda feel like i might be. bleh.
i need time for myself, and i know this is good for me - probably the BEST thing i could be doing right now, but it's SO hard to battle that 'fight or flight' instinct that comes from being alone. the first few hours are nice. i really enjoy time spent by myself - but as the afternoon/evening moves on, a sort of panic comes over me when i realize there's a great possibility that i could go a whole day without seeing/talking to anyone... and i'm (seemingly) automatically propelled into this place where i want to call someone and make plans to do something. but you see, right now, that isn't the easiest thing to do... my friend situation is in a weird place at this point in my life. most of my friends are either coupled or married, and like most people who are in committed relationships - they have their own, busy lives, and aren't really up for "spontaneous" outings with friends (especially newly single friends), and the fact that the more spontaneous couples within my group are either A. splitting time/caught-up in the middle/balancing between my ex B. too far away to be much help C. too caught-up in their own lives to care about hanging out or catching-up OR D. not speaking to me at all.
see, when i'm alone for an entire day/afternoon/evening (or more), i get rather introspective. and the analysis of my life begins (thus, why i'm here... blogging about myself. trying to find answers. make some sort of poignant self-discovery. something. i don't know.)
i really should go back to dr. therapist, but since H continued seeing him after our break-up that made it really easy for me to back off and stop going all-together. plus, it just frustrates me sometimes... as smart (and CORRECT) as he is on so many things regarding my past/present/future, there are some things that i just don't want to deal with right now. maybe i'm scared. maybe i'm rebelling and just being defiant regarding these changes so obviously need to be dealt with. maybe it's the thought that the person i'm to become seems 180˚ different from who i've been. it get's so overwhelming.
i'm definitely at a point in my life (personally and professionally) that if i didn't have my elderly parents here, I would seriously consider moving away... to just get the hell out of here. portland maybe? i have a friend there. i could start over. i've never wanted to stay in dallas, but unfortunately, right now, that will have to wait.
i really need to get myself sorted out. i need to re-focus. hell, focus - period.
it's 8:51 and i've been up for almost an hour.
maybe i'll go to church.
maybe i'll keep rambling here.
maybe i'll finish the chores i didn't get to yesterday.
maybe.
maybe.
maybe.
...story of my life.
10.10.2007
sony bravia has done it again
The Bravia spots seem to have hit upon a winning formula: Colorful objects awaken otherwise drab urban landscapes. Directed by Frank Budgen and shot in stop-motion animation, the new, minute-and-a-half ad features hundreds of colorful plasticine bunnies that appear to be taking over New York City — squeezing out from manholes, drainpipes, and garbage cans — all set to the Rolling Stones song "She's a Rainbow."
greatness...
play-doh
You can see the first two commercials from this series below...
paint
balls
greatness...
play-doh
You can see the first two commercials from this series below...
paint
balls
9.25.2007
for the BIBLE tells me so
I really want to see this. Thankfully, it will be showing in Dallas in October.
See schedule for all screenings: http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/screening.htm
See schedule for all screenings: http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/screening.htm
9.19.2007
my motto for life... this totally sums it up :)
“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”
~ Carlos Castaneda
~ Carlos Castaneda
9.11.2007
that little crack baby bettah not stick no fork in me!
on the lighter side...
I just downloaded the first season of Logo's, "The Big Gay Sketch Show" from itunes
ha!
I just downloaded the first season of Logo's, "The Big Gay Sketch Show" from itunes
ha!
9.08.2007
and her tail never stopped wagging
Today I lost my best (fuzzy) friend and longtime companion. Jester was with me for 10 years – Through the frustrating, confusing, difficult yet triumphant process of coming out (to myself and others). And through each of my painful, heartbreaking break-ups – she's always been the one constant, unconditional love in my turbulent life. Through sickness and health (her's and my own). I rescued her when she was nine months old, and by the time she was one, she'd developed juvenile canine cateracts and eventually just about every other health problem a cocker can have. And while I was going through months upon months of tests (and worry), she would lay quietly at my feet and somehow seemed to know that I just wasn't myself.
But, we always took care of each other... all the way to the end.
Back when we were both young pups, she loved chasing birds and holding pine cones in her mouth when we went on walks. She woke me early and jumped on the bed, always excited to start the day. Her happiness was contagious, and she had the biggest heart of any dog I've ever known. Always gentle and patient – to a fault.
There will never be another like her. It hurt like hell to say goodbye...
8.21.2007
There will be one day that your eyes do not enthrall me
"So, just think of me as just your friend
Who remembers every dress you ever wore..."
Who remembers every dress you ever wore..."
what if...
i'd be better off if i just got pissed-off, got the hell outta this company and forgot i ever even knew her...
no looking back. no regrets. no what-ifs.
yeah... maybe. but unfortunately i care about her too much to do that. not to mention the fact that i really need my best friend right now.
so, what do i do?
push her away when those moments of weakness present themselves? be strong when she can't? pretend i don't want her when i do? ignore my feelings?
i guess that's really all i can do at this point.
Time to focus my heart elsewhere so I can save it from these dead-end thoughts of her. fucking 'what ifs'. sometimes it really sucks being an optimist.
but i'll do what i have to do.
for her.
and more importantly for myself.
no looking back. no regrets. no what-ifs.
yeah... maybe. but unfortunately i care about her too much to do that. not to mention the fact that i really need my best friend right now.
so, what do i do?
push her away when those moments of weakness present themselves? be strong when she can't? pretend i don't want her when i do? ignore my feelings?
i guess that's really all i can do at this point.
Time to focus my heart elsewhere so I can save it from these dead-end thoughts of her. fucking 'what ifs'. sometimes it really sucks being an optimist.
but i'll do what i have to do.
for her.
and more importantly for myself.
8.13.2007
8.09.2007
it occurred to me early this morning in the midst of yet another emotional hurricane and evening of upheaval and arguments, that my only refuge is my job. work is the only place where life resembles "normal" and i'm guaranteed any moments of peace or calm or consistency. It's certainly the only sense of order and structure that I have. And right now, it's the only thing grounding me and keeping me sane on days like today...
At some point the crashing has to stop, and no amount of afternoons spent walking in the rain or wine or grasping for other hands will get me out of this.
i made this bed and i don't mind sleeping in it.
but dammit... please, just let me SLEEP.
At some point the crashing has to stop, and no amount of afternoons spent walking in the rain or wine or grasping for other hands will get me out of this.
i made this bed and i don't mind sleeping in it.
but dammit... please, just let me SLEEP.
8.05.2007
7.27.2007
i <3 the new tegan and sara!
a lot.
it sucks that the venue where i saw them when they were last here has since closed (along with SO many of the other great live music venues in Dallas).
they are an f-in fantastic live show!
i love this track...
"oh and I’m feeling directionless yes
but that’s to be expected and I know that best
and in creeps the morning and another day’s lost
you’ve just written one dream and I reply fast
all you need to save me all you need to save me
call (call) and I’ll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
and I won’t take any other call
I feel like a fool so I’m going to stop troubling you
buried in my yard a letter to send to you
and if I forget or god forbid die too soon
hope that you’ll hear me know that I wrote to you
all you need to say to me all you need to say to me
is call (call) and I’ll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
and I won’t take any other call"
7.25.2007
7.24.2007
Old friend, new memories
My best friend from junior high/high school is coming through town today on her way back home to Portland. I REALLY hope our schedules work out and we're able to get together – even if I have to go to the airport to hang out with her there during her layover.
She's one of only two people from HS that I still talk to on a regular (or even semi-regular basis). Before the days of MySpace - I'd go months... YEARS without hearing from her and get a random phone call (or, in recent years, an email) out of the blue saying she was in town visiting her mom – WHO, by the way, now lives in North Carolina... which *could* be the reason she hasn't been back to Dallas in... wow... probably 5 or 6 years. I can't believe it's been that long!
Ours is definitely one of those friendships that can pick-up right where we left off – catching up on missing years of our lives – like not even a day has passed.
She was always so much braver than I was... she challenged the "norm". she pushed envelopes. she made her OWN choices. Her life is definitely her own. She's one part gypsy; one part artist; one part philosopher.
And for SO long after we graduated, I was intensely jealous of the fact that she had the strength to do and BE so much that I thought that I didn't/couldn't...
Of course, we've both grown so much since those days of banging on her window at 6:40 so we could make it to our 7:00am zero period class and blasting our Automatic For the People cassette in my crappy Pontiac T1000 (don't be jealous).
I've Found my own strength. Pushed my OWN envelopes. Made brave decisions for MY OWN life. And created my own adventures. And I couldn't be more excited about a NEW age of connection, laughter and memories with an old friend.
She's one of only two people from HS that I still talk to on a regular (or even semi-regular basis). Before the days of MySpace - I'd go months... YEARS without hearing from her and get a random phone call (or, in recent years, an email) out of the blue saying she was in town visiting her mom – WHO, by the way, now lives in North Carolina... which *could* be the reason she hasn't been back to Dallas in... wow... probably 5 or 6 years. I can't believe it's been that long!
Ours is definitely one of those friendships that can pick-up right where we left off – catching up on missing years of our lives – like not even a day has passed.
She was always so much braver than I was... she challenged the "norm". she pushed envelopes. she made her OWN choices. Her life is definitely her own. She's one part gypsy; one part artist; one part philosopher.
And for SO long after we graduated, I was intensely jealous of the fact that she had the strength to do and BE so much that I thought that I didn't/couldn't...
Of course, we've both grown so much since those days of banging on her window at 6:40 so we could make it to our 7:00am zero period class and blasting our Automatic For the People cassette in my crappy Pontiac T1000 (don't be jealous).
I've Found my own strength. Pushed my OWN envelopes. Made brave decisions for MY OWN life. And created my own adventures. And I couldn't be more excited about a NEW age of connection, laughter and memories with an old friend.
7.20.2007
So, this morning I had a session with Dr. Therapist. He is seriously one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my life. I'm SO thankful to have counsel by someone I whose thoughts and opinions I value and trust... I'm comfortable there. We have history. I feel like he "gets" me, and I can't say that about very many people. Yeah, yeah, I know I PAY him to "get me" – I know it's his job, but whatever... He earns every penny.
It's SO crazy to me how MUCH parents, in general, affect the type of adults their children become simply by the act of being who they are. Without even TRYING to influence their children's lives, they do... And even "great" parents, like mine, who do "everything right" in the raising of their kids can STILL have such PROFOUND, negative effects that, we, as adults, battle the ramifications of those seemingly insignificant catalysts from our childhood throughout our entire lives.Now, I understand that my situation maybe slightly more skewed being that I was a gay child raised in such an extremely conservative and fundamentally religious household (and by "older than average" parents). I mean, really?! How could that NOT have "profound negative effects" on my life (Duh).
But... even BEYOND the issues surrounding my sexual orientation - there are core beliefs that I'm fighting to rectify – Beliefs that exist in the deepest depths of my soul and make me who I am. And I don't even BEGIN to know how to wage the battle to overcome them...
Beliefs like:
"Love is conditional on what others want from me."
"I'm responsible for other's emotions."
"At the core of who I am as a person – I am 'bad'"
"I am unworthy (of love. of salvation. etc.)"
In realizing these beliefs and facing what they MEAN about me... I know that this is as much a spiritual journey as anything. Of course I realize, logically, these core beliefs are inaccurate – I know that unconditional love DOES exist. I'm not and CANNOT be responsible for other's emotions. I AM a good person and I AM worthy of love and salvation... BUT when something has been SO ingrained in your life – in your BELIEF SYSTEM - for SO long and since such an early age, it's rather difficult to just give yourself over to logic and all be right in the world – I only wish it could be that easy!
I don't know if Dr. Therapist was raised in "The Church" but I do kinda get the feeling that he might have been. He mentioned today that, in his opinion, no other Christian denomination could be more (ultimately) damaging to a person's soul.
Wow.
What a statement to hear. It made me sad. Terribly, terribly sad... Because I knew it was true. And I felt so, validated, somehow, to know that someone else understood the way that feels. And that was exactly it...
I DO feel damaged. Damaged by religion (not necessarily by God) but certainly unworthy of God's love and acceptance (or my parent's... or anyone else for that matter) and betrayed by my church. Yeah. How incredibly SAD that something (like religion or thoughts of salvation) that *should* evoke feelings of peace, love and hope only make me feel broken, sad and angry...
And I'm pretty sure it's not what God wants me to believe – maybe just a Church (and a dad) who thought they were doing His will by instilling fear and shame through their teachings...
I don't know.
So, I'm on this journey, and it's scary and overwhelming and feels impossible to navigate... and I know that I will have to challenge and confront EVERYTHING I've ever been taught and somehow manage to create a new, more accurate relationship with God (or perhaps, more specifically, with religion itself) that will foster love and acceptance and hopefully bring with it a sense of peace I so desperately need to find.
It's SO crazy to me how MUCH parents, in general, affect the type of adults their children become simply by the act of being who they are. Without even TRYING to influence their children's lives, they do... And even "great" parents, like mine, who do "everything right" in the raising of their kids can STILL have such PROFOUND, negative effects that, we, as adults, battle the ramifications of those seemingly insignificant catalysts from our childhood throughout our entire lives.Now, I understand that my situation maybe slightly more skewed being that I was a gay child raised in such an extremely conservative and fundamentally religious household (and by "older than average" parents). I mean, really?! How could that NOT have "profound negative effects" on my life (Duh).
But... even BEYOND the issues surrounding my sexual orientation - there are core beliefs that I'm fighting to rectify – Beliefs that exist in the deepest depths of my soul and make me who I am. And I don't even BEGIN to know how to wage the battle to overcome them...
Beliefs like:
"Love is conditional on what others want from me."
"I'm responsible for other's emotions."
"At the core of who I am as a person – I am 'bad'"
"I am unworthy (of love. of salvation. etc.)"
In realizing these beliefs and facing what they MEAN about me... I know that this is as much a spiritual journey as anything. Of course I realize, logically, these core beliefs are inaccurate – I know that unconditional love DOES exist. I'm not and CANNOT be responsible for other's emotions. I AM a good person and I AM worthy of love and salvation... BUT when something has been SO ingrained in your life – in your BELIEF SYSTEM - for SO long and since such an early age, it's rather difficult to just give yourself over to logic and all be right in the world – I only wish it could be that easy!
I don't know if Dr. Therapist was raised in "The Church" but I do kinda get the feeling that he might have been. He mentioned today that, in his opinion, no other Christian denomination could be more (ultimately) damaging to a person's soul.
Wow.
What a statement to hear. It made me sad. Terribly, terribly sad... Because I knew it was true. And I felt so, validated, somehow, to know that someone else understood the way that feels. And that was exactly it...
I DO feel damaged. Damaged by religion (not necessarily by God) but certainly unworthy of God's love and acceptance (or my parent's... or anyone else for that matter) and betrayed by my church. Yeah. How incredibly SAD that something (like religion or thoughts of salvation) that *should* evoke feelings of peace, love and hope only make me feel broken, sad and angry...
And I'm pretty sure it's not what God wants me to believe – maybe just a Church (and a dad) who thought they were doing His will by instilling fear and shame through their teachings...
I don't know.
So, I'm on this journey, and it's scary and overwhelming and feels impossible to navigate... and I know that I will have to challenge and confront EVERYTHING I've ever been taught and somehow manage to create a new, more accurate relationship with God (or perhaps, more specifically, with religion itself) that will foster love and acceptance and hopefully bring with it a sense of peace I so desperately need to find.
7.15.2007
i'm getting ready to go to the gym this morning. the past two (?) weeks have absolutely KILLED me! I've been eating like crap and skipping workouts, and I just can't do that anymore... my 31 year old metabolism won't allow it. ser-ious-ly.
SO!! Last night was my last night of endulgence... It's so easy to let things go when you're dealing with personal issues. I REALLY wish I was the type of person who regularly (and consistently) turned to exercise and focused my energy on working out in order to alleviate stress (i used to be that person! i don't know what happened) – now, I allow personal turmoil to be an excuse to eat out every night, drink too much alcohol and not enough water.
my body naturally wants me to be where i WANT it to be. i KNOW this.. I mean, it ALWAYS responds very well (and quickly) when I do what I KNOW I'm supposed to do – (even at 31)!
So, consider this my motivational pep-talk...
(Go! Fight! Win!)
Plus, I just can't keep doing this to myself. I feel gross and "blah" and lazy... AND I hate drinking everyday. I do (really!).
PLussss... being single again this is just not good for the mojo, yo (ESPECIALLY at 31)! ...just sayin'
SO!! Last night was my last night of endulgence... It's so easy to let things go when you're dealing with personal issues. I REALLY wish I was the type of person who regularly (and consistently) turned to exercise and focused my energy on working out in order to alleviate stress (i used to be that person! i don't know what happened) – now, I allow personal turmoil to be an excuse to eat out every night, drink too much alcohol and not enough water.
my body naturally wants me to be where i WANT it to be. i KNOW this.. I mean, it ALWAYS responds very well (and quickly) when I do what I KNOW I'm supposed to do – (even at 31)!
So, consider this my motivational pep-talk...
(Go! Fight! Win!)
Plus, I just can't keep doing this to myself. I feel gross and "blah" and lazy... AND I hate drinking everyday. I do (really!).
PLussss... being single again this is just not good for the mojo, yo (ESPECIALLY at 31)! ...just sayin'
7.13.2007
“A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.”
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Brilliant quote from the author of my favorite book, The Little Prince.
I really should re-read it soon... it's been WAY too long. It always makes my heart happy :)
If you're interested, the English version can be found online here, and the original French version, Le Petit Prince, is here.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Brilliant quote from the author of my favorite book, The Little Prince.
I really should re-read it soon... it's been WAY too long. It always makes my heart happy :)
If you're interested, the English version can be found online here, and the original French version, Le Petit Prince, is here.
7.11.2007
"Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.”
“Come to the edge, he said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them
and they flew.”
~Guillaume Apollinaire
what is it about them that makes them so frightfully appealing? i want to walk right up and stand there... leaning. pushing. seeing how far i can go – just to know where it is...
is that so terrible? i don't think so... i quite like it. makes me feel alive, i guess. like i'm doing the most that I can with the life I've been blessed with.
i don't know.
I do forget that not everyone is as comfortable exploring life's edges... and that it's not always my place to take them there.
i feel like more often than not, people in general, are willing (maybe just not ABLE,) to go alone – and *maybe* they just need someone less afraid to guide them...
OR MAYYYBE i should just leave them to find their own way.
“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly”
~Patrick Overton
I don't know. I'm rambling and I've had two glasses of wine... I'm going to sleep :)
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them
and they flew.”
~Guillaume Apollinaire
what is it about them that makes them so frightfully appealing? i want to walk right up and stand there... leaning. pushing. seeing how far i can go – just to know where it is...
is that so terrible? i don't think so... i quite like it. makes me feel alive, i guess. like i'm doing the most that I can with the life I've been blessed with.
i don't know.
I do forget that not everyone is as comfortable exploring life's edges... and that it's not always my place to take them there.
i feel like more often than not, people in general, are willing (maybe just not ABLE,) to go alone – and *maybe* they just need someone less afraid to guide them...
OR MAYYYBE i should just leave them to find their own way.
“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly”
~Patrick Overton
I don't know. I'm rambling and I've had two glasses of wine... I'm going to sleep :)
7.09.2007
I've written about "off" switches before. how i need one – WANT one - for my crazy brain (especially lately)... okay, maybe not "off" (that might not work out very well in the long run) – a volume control, at the very least.
You know how when you're in the midst of turmoil (or confusion or dilemma of any sort, really), your brain just goes non-stop. And the more it goes (i.e. the more you THINK about the situation), the more confusing everything becomes. And the more you realize you have no idea what you're even thinking anymore...
Nothing makes sense. You feel numb.
My brain has definitely over-exerted itself the past few weeks, and now it doesn't really want to do anything. It's rebelling against my thoughts. My BRAIN is rebelling agains my thoughts... hmm. Yeah, well, that's what it feels like. It's tired, and so am I today.
I just don't know how to make it stop. I wish, for just one day, that I could silence the analysis. The self-reflection. The internal debates. The what-ifs. The incessant contemplation. I wish I could just change the channel and let my brain focus on something else for a day...
just one, stupid day.
You know how when you're in the midst of turmoil (or confusion or dilemma of any sort, really), your brain just goes non-stop. And the more it goes (i.e. the more you THINK about the situation), the more confusing everything becomes. And the more you realize you have no idea what you're even thinking anymore...
Nothing makes sense. You feel numb.
My brain has definitely over-exerted itself the past few weeks, and now it doesn't really want to do anything. It's rebelling against my thoughts. My BRAIN is rebelling agains my thoughts... hmm. Yeah, well, that's what it feels like. It's tired, and so am I today.
I just don't know how to make it stop. I wish, for just one day, that I could silence the analysis. The self-reflection. The internal debates. The what-ifs. The incessant contemplation. I wish I could just change the channel and let my brain focus on something else for a day...
just one, stupid day.
6.26.2007
sometimes i feel like i'm getting lost in my own journey.
i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm running in circles. desperately searching for some sign or direction... for ANSWERS to all of my questions, and the harder i search, the more confused and turned-around and further away i become.
6.22.2007
you know...
It's interesting to go back and re-read this thing... revisiting old thoughts. memories. feelings... seeing how far i've come and how much i've grown as a person (in SO many ways) while also realizing how far i've left to go...
i really don't know if i'll ever figure it out.
i mean, really... how many times will i make the same old mistakes? find myself in the same old crisis? Fearing the same old fears?
what am i doing with this life? i really don't know.
sometimes it feels so important. other days i wonder if i'm just wasting it completely. I'm 31 years old!! Geez. How the hell did that happen?? And where did the last 7/8/9 years go?? And what do I have to show for them? Ha. Yeah... SUCH a long way to go.
It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was just out of college. Fresh. New. Green. Trying to figure it all out... What's my excuse now? I still feel like it should be okay for me to use that as an excuse, but I know that's just not the case anymore. I HAVE figured it out... a lot of "it", anyway, but sometimes it feels like every other 31 year old in the world knows something I don't. I mean, don't MOST people have their shit together by this time in their life?! Hmm. Yeah. I also figure that a lot of people, regardless of how much they actually DO, can often feel as though they don't.
So, where does that leave me?
Normal. Average. Self-questioning 30-something...?
No way. This is DO know for sure.
i really don't know if i'll ever figure it out.
i mean, really... how many times will i make the same old mistakes? find myself in the same old crisis? Fearing the same old fears?
what am i doing with this life? i really don't know.
sometimes it feels so important. other days i wonder if i'm just wasting it completely. I'm 31 years old!! Geez. How the hell did that happen?? And where did the last 7/8/9 years go?? And what do I have to show for them? Ha. Yeah... SUCH a long way to go.
It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was just out of college. Fresh. New. Green. Trying to figure it all out... What's my excuse now? I still feel like it should be okay for me to use that as an excuse, but I know that's just not the case anymore. I HAVE figured it out... a lot of "it", anyway, but sometimes it feels like every other 31 year old in the world knows something I don't. I mean, don't MOST people have their shit together by this time in their life?! Hmm. Yeah. I also figure that a lot of people, regardless of how much they actually DO, can often feel as though they don't.
So, where does that leave me?
Normal. Average. Self-questioning 30-something...?
No way. This is DO know for sure.
5.31.2007
wow... i miss her.
i'm not sure what sucks worse – not having her in my life at all or being friends and having to deal with moving through life, pretending like nothing ever even happened? i don’t know. and i don’t know why i still care at this point... but i do.
damnit.
most of all, i don’t know why it even matters. or why i (*STILL*) can’t stop thinking about her. oh... yeah, and the scariest realization of all – those feelings were real. i mean... they. were. REAL. sure, it was definitely attraction... physical. emotional. intellectual. spiritual attraction... and probably a bit of general fascination. curiousity. friendship... yeah, such a great freakin friendship...
*siiiigh*
but wow. turns out it was love too...
who knew.
damnit.
most of all, i don’t know why it even matters. or why i (*STILL*) can’t stop thinking about her. oh... yeah, and the scariest realization of all – those feelings were real. i mean... they. were. REAL. sure, it was definitely attraction... physical. emotional. intellectual. spiritual attraction... and probably a bit of general fascination. curiousity. friendship... yeah, such a great freakin friendship...
*siiiigh*
but wow. turns out it was love too...
who knew.
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